A Love That Remains...

For K...

Twenty third of November
Ninteen hundred ninety-one
So many dreams ahead
So naive, in love and young

We exchanged our vows
never to be undone
We committed to each other
and two became one

Honeymoon in Steamboat Springs
A beautiful place
Skiing, snowmobiling, horseback riding
Watching your beautiful, smiling face

Enjoying time together
beginning a new life
Joined for a lifetime
as man and wife

Gradual adjustments
learning each other
So thankful we're together
Wonderful partner and mother

We have always shared
everything we have
Including pain and sorrow
tender love and laughter

Through miscarriages and loss
welcome and unwelcome changes
Yet today, closer than ever
My lover and best friend

As I said on that day
For better for worse
In sickness and in health
Til our days come to a close

Faithfully, I hold fast
Committed to you
Three cords bind us together
forever, it's true

I suffer when you suffer
and share in your pain
Your laughter, contagious
I am forever changed

You are the one
who had made my life
It's my pleasure to serve you
my best friend and wife

Seventeen years now together
and we've barely begun
It seems only yesterday
since the births of our sons

And as every year passes
even ones that are rough
I wouldn't trade what we have
Always more than enough

I look forward to days
that are brighter, and yet
The past six years
I will never forget

How our love became purer
and stronger each day
In the hardest of times
we're still able to say

I am glad to be with you
and you here with me
There's no other place
that I'd rather be

Than right here beside you
where I belong
Immersing each other
in a love pure and strong

Forged in the fires
of each challenge we've faced
Etched in our memories
that can never be erased

We now see much clearer
since the clouds rolled away
Words, insufficient,
Impossible to say

Just how deeply I love you
On this you can depend
I will remain here beside you
My very best friend

J/ (c) 2008

The Path

Unsure
losing my footing
Gaining speed
toward the unknown future

Yet
somehow
Resting
Peaceful

Some approach
with sympathy
Others
with compassion

Still others
do not see
Perhaps
do not want to see

Could it be
a new symptom?
Invisibility?
Not likely

Have we so conditioned our hearts
to avoid the uncomfortable?
So much so that now
we convince ourselves we do not see?

And yet
in the most unlikely of places
In the busy, rushing city
A stranger approaches

He offers to hold a door
or steady a wheelchair
or assist in any way
that we would welcome

While in other places
more expected places
another unthinkingly - carelessly
drops a door on us

Long after these days
of difficulty are past
may we never forget
how to see, how to love

Compassion
coming from unexpected places
Provision
from friends we have yet to meet

Some sharing bread
others sharing themselves
Their time, treasure
Love immeasurable

Near or far
Reaching out with what each one has
The sum of the whole
so much more than the parts

Brothers, sisters
families filled with compassion
Moved - no compelled - to intervene
on our behalf

Gratitude beyond expression
Appreciation beyond words
Humbling and needy
Laying down pride, to receive

Entering into
a new place of brokenness
Old and new wounds
bound for healing

Thankful for experiences
that we would never wish on another
For this is OUR story
our path, and our life...

(c) J/ 2008

Your Existence Gives Me Hope

For Kim, Susan, Noel, Jane, and all who are suffering.... and for those who suffer with them...

So many people
hurrying around
seeking something
chasing something

So much busy-ness
so much rushing
passing people by
so unaware

Sometimes running each other over
sometimes just running past
such a fast paced world
so many important things to do

One message
one phone call
one test result, event or realization
and it all comes to a screeching halt

Time stands still
seconds become as hours
Eternity in time
devastating

It all comes into perspective
what is important
what is not
what life is really about

It is really about the people
it's about families
friends and relationships
people we love

My heart sinks
I grieve the loss of peace
which I know you must feel
from knowing

The fear and dread
grasping at your life
The disease and treatment
both ravaging your body

Many offering to help
Sincere and available
Others offering solutions
devoid of truth

Confusion and frustration
Unclear paths
So much noise all around
Stillness nowhere to be found

I fall to my knees
crying out on your behalf
for healing, wisdom, release
peace, grace, mercy, strength

How can it be?
Why has this happened?
Why to such beautiful souls and families?
To those so full of life and love?

So many times I have complained
Often discontented
So overwhelmed by circumstances
Lost in difficulty and self

My understanding incomplete
Injustice clearly seen
Suffering you have not deserved
Pain so very real

And yet, in such circumstances
Your presence of mind is amazing
Your concern for those around you
Surpassing concern for yourself

Your beauty is unsurpassed
Shining rays of hope and love from your eyes
So graceful in your suffering
In the midst of pain and loss

There is a fellowship of suffering
Like being a member of a group you never wanted to join
And yet, have come to know real strength and beauty
as a result of being included

There is a joy and strength and life
There is hope inescapable
There is comfort in knowing you are not alone
solace and momentary release

Whether healing be here or there
it shall surely come to us all
Between now and then
let us cherish each moment we have together

Sharing the joys and pains
as we laugh and cry together
Hearts heavy, yet full of peace
Fully accepting and loving each other

Remembering the best of times
Sharing the stories that make us laugh
Revisiting the inside jokes only we understand
Relishing the treasure inside each others' hearts

For this journey is but a moment in time
and life is but a breath
Let us keep perspective of what matters
and what does not

J/ (C) 2008

Need I say more??? But seriously...

Seriously, being able to love the people in our lives - all of them, and all of the time - is an amazing and uncommon thing. I'd love to say I always do, but there's already enough BS in the world... so I will say I try to... and the result is that I often succeed, but sometimes not so much... Thoughts of judgement and harsh responses when my goals are blocked, or when I am tired, irritable or just being plain petty... sometimes, they come out and dance around my brain and out of my mouth before I can obliterate them. Sometimes, loving someone also means loving them enough to gently speak truth in love. Sometimes, loving them is refusing to enable them in destructive behaviors...

I think the older I get, the more compassionate and easy going I become. After years of impatience, frustration and venting, hurting others with careless words as a young man, something has died... and I am glad... funeral is over on that raging, silly person... so now, it's more working on the internal part - the one nobody much sees but me... and a very few who are really close to me. Working out those little nagging thoughts and attitudes that are not loving... so that I can truly pour myself out, selflessly, for those I love, and to let them know that nothing is more important to me than they are...

and that - would be complete success...
at least, as I define it...

J/

Take A Good Look....

Seems like it's really hard to get an ACCURATE view of ourselves... Some tend to see ourselves unrealistically by viewing ourselves as a great singer, dancer (ok, you don't think so? hey, have you seen the intro shows for American Idol???? So You Think You Can Dance??? Need I say more?????)...

And others see ourselves unrealistically in a negative way (no? ok, then why are plastic surgeons, diet and exercise companies, shows like "How to Look Good Naked" and so forth doing so very well???)..

Honestly, I don't think one way is better or worse than the other.... maybe both do damage - either to ourselves or to those around us by leading us to disappointment, disilluionment or destructive behavior. As painful as it may be, maybe it is important for all of us to take a step back from time to time and really attempt to view ourselves as objectively as possible.

From time to time, I ask myself questions like:

What kind of person am I?

What kind of friend am I?

Am I the kind of person I would want to be around?

Am I trustworthy and loyal?

Am I genuine and authentic? or do I role play to what is expected of me? or even put up a rejection front?

What lies might I be believing about myself? about others? about life?

Am I peaceful? deep within?

What are the things that I place the most value on?

Where do I spend/invest my time, energy & resources?

Who are my closest friends? Why are we friends?

Can I accept and love anyone, regardless of their demographics, background, lifestyle and decisions, beliefs?

Do I feel a need to compare myself to others? as better? as worse?

Do I have an accurate body image?

Do I accept myself completely - body, soul, spirit, emotions, mind?

Am I aware of those around me? of my purpose(s) in this life?

Have I been able to find my bliss?

Am I balanced? Dogmatic/legalistic? Judgemental? Harsh? Loving? Compassionate?

What are my worries? fears? and how am I responding to them?

What am I like when nobody else is around?

How do I feel when I am alone and quiet?

Just as the image of the cat above is distorted by the software that created it, often our self-images, body images and self-awareness are distorted by our programming and thinking...

affecting the energy eminating from us. I have to stop and reset from time to time - really evaluating where I am and what I am operating from - to be able to move back into seeing who I really am, as my Daddy sees me - as He made me to be....

J/

You'll always be my baby...

I don't listen to alot of country music anymore, but this song really spoke to me.... You can find a video of it at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rDim9gD_pVA.

You'll Always Be My Baby
Artist: Sara Evans

Album: Real Fine Place

There I was ten years old

waiting in my room for him to come home

I just knew he'd be so mad

though I begged my mother not to, she told my dad.

There was no denying I let him down

but instead of being angry

he put his arms around me and said

In the sunlight or the rain, brightest nights or darkest days

I'll always feel the same way

whatever road you may be on

know your never too far gone
my love is there wherever you may be

just remember that you will always be my baby.

There I was twenty one

oh I was so ashamed of what I'd done

on a country roadparked one night

it started out so innocent

then crossed the line

there was no denying I let God down

but instead of being angry

He wrapped His arms around me and I heard

In the sunlight or the rain, brightest nights or darkest days

I'll always feel the same way

whatever road you may be on

know your never too far gone

my love is there wherever you may be

just remember that you will always be my baby - yeah.

There he is my little man

I'm sure he'll get in trouble every now and then

and I pray to god that when he does

I'll be just as understanding as my father was
oh the last thing that I want to do is let him down

so instead of being angry

I'm gonna throw my arms around him and I'll say

In the sunlight or the rain brightest nights or darkest days

I'll always feel the same way
whatever road you may be on

know you’re never too far gone

my love is there wherever you may be
just remember that you will always be my baby.

/Jeff

How to Save a Life

I've thought alot over the past 18 years about a friend from high-school, Bill, who was 17 years old back then. I had graduated and moved on to college, and had had no idea at the time what he was going through. It was so similar to what I had gone through myself. But his situation ended in tragedy, as he was alone one evening.

His parents were out for the evening, and he was home alone. He called a mutual friend, asking if they could go hang out, but the friend was sick, and didn't feel up to getting out. The friend offered that if he needed anything, he would come anyway, but Bill assured him it was ok.

A few hours later, Bill was dead. He had shot himself with a rifle, severing his spine, and slowly bled to death. All of us were completely devastated. We really had no idea, especially those of us who had graduated and moved on...

But Bill had written a paper earlier that year for an English class. It was entitled "The Curse of Being Popular". Bill was president of the senior class. He was a "straight-A" student. He was well liked and had many friends. His paper was about how you never know, when you are popular, whether people are around you because they are really your friends, or because they want to be popular by association. He went on to say that it is strange that you can be in a group of people, or even be surrounded by people, and still be completely alone. I learned about Bill's paper at the funeral. Many were very deeply affected. I was one.

I have thought many things over the years - about how I could have ended up the same way. About how many times God had intervened in my life. About how He sent so many people into my life just for the express purpose of helping me go on through the most difficult times of my life. I think about the young man from one of my high-schools who heard God one night and drove up to where I was, in an isolated, dark place, and told me to get in the truck - that he had something to say to me - which was that God loved me and I didn't need to do what I was about to do... he knew my situation because God told him. And the yount lady who dropped by on the weekend when most everyone else had gone home from college, when I was at a very low point. She knocked on my door, came in and talked with me, hung out with me, and we got drunk together. That's all that happened, and she saved my life, though she never even knew it.

I also have thought about the people who had no idea how hurtful their words were. So many careless, judgemental, angry, hurtful words. I felt so much pain back then. I thought I wanted to die. But there was so much more for me... all I needed was a glimpse of it.

I think about things like all I would have missed. I think about my beautiful, sweet wife, and the relationship we have. I think about our friends, that have been so faithful and loving through the current difficulty we are going through with Kim's health. I think about the two wonderful sons we have that would have never been born. I think about the love I have both given and received. I am so blessed. I am so very well cared for. What a blessing to know how much God loves me, how my wife loves me, how my children love me, and my friends love me. I am rich because of their love, and I love each of them dearly. Most of all, what a blessing to know that God not only loves me, but that He accepts me, and that I am dear to Him, and special to Him, and that He carries me through the most difficult days, even back when I thought I didn't want to get through them. He knew better. He knew and still knows best. What a joy to turn over the problems, the anger and frustrations, and the control and worry to Him.

I hear the song below by the Fray pretty often. It is one of the songs that helps me remember and reflect on all of this above, and I am so thankful. Why were people there for me, but it didn't work that way for Bill? Why have so many I have known died young, and I live? Why did Lyn get Leukemia and die? Why did Chip die of Hodgkin's disease? Why did Rob die of cancer? Why is Kim sick now?

I don't understand why things happen the way they do, but I do know there is One who loves us all. I know that He loves us very dearly, and as I have had children, I understand that even more, perhaps. He says, "I know the plans I have for you - to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope...", but why are some of those hopes aborted or missed out on? I don't know. And I don't know how many days I have on this earth, but I do know that I am loved. And I do know that life isn't about how many things I can accumulate, and that my worth doesn't come from things. I know who I am now, and would not exchange that for anything in the world.

Sometimes, we affect so many around us without even knowing it. Sometimes, we are the positive force that moves others to healing, or to growth.... sometimes, we are the negative force that can bring damage or loss. Other times, we are the catalyst that brings others to a point of decision.... and I believe much of this goes on without our awareness, unless we are keenly paying attention to others. How many people have I passed today or even talked with today? How many of those are facing difficulty or experiencing suffering or pain? Do I even care?

I have decided that I do care. I made the decision that I want to see things for what they really are, and to love people unconditionally. I don't want the rosie picture, and the fake friends, and the house full of junk I don't really need anyway. I want to invest into the lives of those around me, and to love them, whatever that means. Thankfully, I am blessed to have those in my life who also pour into me in this way.

Fray
How To Save A Life

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
Pray to God he hears you
And I pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life

If you are reading this post from my heart, and you are feeling down, alone or like it isn't worth it to go on, please - I beg you - please, press on through. There are so many whose life you touch. There is One who loves you more than you can imagine. There is a very unique life ahead that only YOU can live. Please don't abort the hope within you, or allow yourself to be sabotaged into believing it isn't worth it. My life is very hard even now - Kim has been fully disabled for several years now, and she struggles with not only pain and weakness, but also with the heartache of missing out on so many things. But we both know FOR SURE that we want to live to the fullest extent we are capable, and to enjoy our lives and those around us, no matter what. And so can you....

Much love and peace and grace to each of you -
GOTEEMAN