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Hope, Exhaustion, Peace, Reality
Just a glimmer of hope
The slightest improvement
What we used to think was a hard day
We now know to be a good day
So much we did not know
So much we still do not
Sometimes so difficult to understand
Five years now
So much time and effort
So much money spent
Sometimes seeming that the treatment
Is worse than the disease
How much can one withstand?
How long can this go on?
Longer than you would think
Longer than you would believe
When the days grow long (but never long enough)
And the bones are sore
From being awake so long
Not enough time for sleep
Well beyond the end of myself
So beyond what I thought could be
Feeling so alone and yet
Knowing I never am, nor can I be
Adversity seems to bring out
The very best and very worst
The rawest, truest self within
Testing hope and faith and trust
Nights are often hardest
Most exhausted, most empty
Finally finished for the day at 2am
Collapsing into my pillow
6am comes too early (has it only been a few minutes?)
Alarm screaming and demanding
Waking dead, and yet alive
New hope in the midst of challenge
Stumbling in the dark
Cold water in my face, dark circles under my eyes
Slowly coming into consciousness
So much to do, so few hours today
Wake the boys - Don't go back to sleep
Keep them moving
Breakfast, brush hair and teeth
Pack lunch and out the door
Another successful launch
Time to crash, close my eyes
For just a few precious moments of sleep
So elusive, but must catch them when I can
The demands of the day will soon be upon me again
Everyone needing, wanting
Right now! Urgent! Must be done!
So many so unaware...
In the midst of all the busy-ness
Finding the quiet place
Of unsurpassed peace
Where You are...
Suddenly easy
Efforless
Resting
Perfect
(C) 2008, Goteeman
6 comments:
"Sometimes seeming that the treatment is worse than the disease"
You really wonder sometimes don't you? But you know that you know that you know, you can't stop fighting. So you fight.
"Feeling so alone and yet knowing I never am, nor can I be"
The Comforter is near. I pray He comforts you.
"Adversity seems to bring out
The very best and very worst
The rawest, truest self within
Testing hope and faith and trust"
This is my favorite section of your writing. The rawest, truest self within is who we really are but don't let the world see. It's who God knows us as even if we think we're covering it up. Adversity is the the fire by which we are tested. Like you said, both the good and bad show through, but tested by fire, the metal you are made of is reflecting God. You are His, and it shows.
Hang in there. I can't imagine living the life you are living right now, but like I've never known it before, I do know our God will carry us through everything, and I mean everything, if we let Him. Praying for you.
Brett -
Thanks for the comments. This post was straight out of a time of exhaustion - nearly unconsciousness - words pouring out like water... I have long past the point of even trying to maintain any image or keeping anyone from seeing anything. It's been a really long, tough journey and I know we will end well... The hardest part, I think, is to stay in peace even when the toughest moments, minutes, hours, days and weeks are upon us...
Much thanks for your prayers and encouragement.
The Lord bless you.
J/
Miss you Man. You doin' ok?
Brett -
Responded via e-mail to your hotmail address...
Jeff
Hey how do I grab a hold of you via email?
g a s t o n g a r c i a @ gmail . com
Hey, Gas -
sent it to ya in e-mail, buddy...
Good to see ya.
Jeff
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