Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Scream! Another Day in Paradise! You Learn, etc.

Well, folks, this isn't gonna be a warm and fuzzy Christmas post. If that bothers you, STOP READING NOW. I mean it. Really. This is gonna be off, and I know it, so deal with it.

I guess, if I have learned anything at all from the suffering and difficulties we have experienced over the past 5 years, it's that life isn't really life unless you live it. You can spend your whole life trying to protect yourself or others, you can spend so much time and energy without ever risking... and without really living. What is the use in going through the motions with fake relationships, fake friends, fake identity, fake compassion, fake love... it's all worth about as much as a bag of manure.

I'd rather have a handful of true relationships - a handful of those who care for us, and for whom we care - than to be surrounded by a bunch of people "faking it". I don't have any fake left... I don't have the energy to put up a persona... our lives are hard, and I can't sugar coat it or gloss over it just to try to help someone else feel better about it.

God is good, but life can be a bitch. One friend recently died suddenly of a blood clot - much too young. Another is currently dealing with another bout with cancer. Yet another recently lost a very special dad, and has a mom who is sick, and another is overwhelmed by very difficult circumstances. Here we all are - going through a bunch of stuff, and at times, to be honest, I cry out "Where are You, God!?! I mean, it can't be that hard for You... so is it that you arent' there? or that you are there, but aren't doing anything? Do you care?" Yeah, I know - so don't give me "sunday school answers" and religious "feedback". That crap only works when you haven't walked through much. And yes, my questions and frustrations come and go - and YES, I do know God exists and that He loves us... but some days, it still is really difficult.

But I refuse - I mean completely refuse - to lie down and just be overcome or to become stagnant or fake. I am gonna live. I was made to live and made to overcome, so I will. The end may not be in sight, but I know it's there, and I know the friends I have are real, and that those relationships will endure. I am still pissed, though.... maybe I will have a happy little post sometime soon.... Perhaps that's why I don't feel much like blogging lately, but I still like listening to Alanis and a few others - and I did get an iPod Classic 80 (video) for Christmas, so I can take her with me.. LOL


You Learn (by Alanis Morissette )

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more then you can chew
to anyone I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth
at any time feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn
You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn


Margy said...

Don't apologize...there are far too many sugary sweet posts out there during the holidays, it's times someone posted something that is gut-level real. And maybe it hit the spot because we've all been sick here with the flu during Christmas..not half as devastating as what many of our friends are going through, but enough to strip away all but what really matters during this time or any time of the year: friends who care, air to breathe, and the God who gave both to us, whether He seems like He's listening or not.
praying for you as always!

GoteeMan said...

Margy -

Thanks. Actually, I felt better after getting this out. Sorry you guys have been sick. Have been praying for you as well, since Dave told me. Always stinks to be sick at Christmas...
Thanks for your friendship and encouragement and for accepting us just as we are - cuz it ain't always pretty!


Cindy said...

Heya Jeff,
I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like these friends you mention are very close to your heart. Although I won't pretend to know what you're going through, I can relate to this being a very hard season for loved ones and for myself. Somedays I feel like I'm losing all my energy as I try to make sense of it. I really like what you wrote about not having "any fake yet." That's exactly how I feel yet couldn't articulate. So, thank you for that Jeff.

And, not to sound Sunday School marmish, but when I read your question of where He is, my first thought was truly, "Right here." I can see Him in your words, esp. when you write about your hardship and pain. And I have it on Good authority - He likes real : )

God bless you and yours, today and always!

PS-Too, it's refreshing to know of a fella who appreciates Alanis Morisette! My personal favorite is, "Everything."

Chorus to "Everything"
(Alanis Morisette)

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

And you're still here
And you're still here...

GoteeMan said...

Cindy -
Thanks for the kind words. I have my moments. Thanks, also, for reminding me of "Everything". She has such a way of wording things that so often express my own feelings. "Perfect" is another one that keeps my heart in the right place toward my sons. Thanks, again, for your response...
The Lord bless you...

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gerbmom said...

OK Jeff,
I'm blatantly ripping the Morissette song off for my blog.
Right now, I can relate.
So I certainly won't judge you, neither will I offer Sunday school answers. The best we can do is live, learn, and pray for each other...

GoteeMan said...

Karen -
Responded on your blog...
Thanks for the kind response.

Lovebabz said...

Happy New Year! Thought I would stop by and check in. Christmas and the whole holiday season can be the experience you want it to be. You are the boss of yo uand if you want sweet and sugary... cool. I fyou want angst and Whatever you want do it with gusto and flavor. Be well.

GoteeMan said...

lovebabz -
Thanks for dropping in. Hope the new year finds you well, and on the path to wonderful new experiences and opportunities...