Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Unknown...


When I have been at the deepest times of shaky footing and even free-falling, during some of the most difficult days of my life, I can feel so totally out of control (as if I was really controlling anything anyway).

It's never comfortable, for me, being crushed, stretched, broken, transparent, vulnerable, naked, alone, destroyed, smashed to pieces, and left in a dark room.... I recognize the value of the process and the result, and that phenomenal growth can take place during these times, but it's still really hard to let go and fall. My tendency is to try to hold on with all my might, grappling for the edge of the ledge that is slipping away from me... until....
I find peace in the midst of the storm and begin to hold on to Him instead...
I think this sums it up pretty well...

"unknown" by Lifehouse

This doubt is screaming in my face
This familiar place sheltered and concealed
and if this night won't let me rest
don't let me second guess
what I know to be real
put away all I know for tonight
and maybe I just might learn to let it go
take my security from me
maybe finally I won't have to know everything

I am falling into grace to the unknown
to where you are and faith
makes everybody scared
it's the unknown the don't know
that keeps me hanging on and on and on to you

I got nothing left to defend
I cannot pretend that everything makes sense
but does it really matter now
if I do not know how
to figure this thing out

I am falling into grace to the unknown
to where you are and faith
makes everybody scared
it's the unknown the don't know
that keeps me hanging on and on and on to you

I'm against myself again
trying to fit these pieces in
walking on a cloud of dust to get to you

I am falling into grace to the unknown
to where you are and faith
makes everybody scared
it's the unknown the don't know
that keeps me hanging on

and I am falling into grace to the unknown
to where you are and faith
makes everybody scared
it's the unknown the don't know
that keeps me hanging on and on and on to you


And so I hang on and on and on.... as I fall into grace - safely in the arms of the Lover of my soul... the infinite One, who is able to do immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine, and although I may not know what tomorrow holds, I know who holds me in His arms, comforting me, and wiping away every tear, as He gently binds my wounds, calms my fears, and deeply loves me. I am transformed.

Jeff

8 comments:

Darla said...

it's hard to imagine that a transformation can come out of something so messy and painful. i'll never fully understand that. but it always happens.... always. it's good that you can recognize the value of the process, as you say... because a lot of times we want to hurry through it, get it over with, without realizing that maybe we're supposed to be learning something thru it all. it's so hard to walk thru it. so hard. i don't know how people go thru life without God... i don't know how i went thru half my life without God. i'm so glad we have a place to fall....

GoteeMan said...

yes, it is good to have a place to fall. I had a friend in college that I used to rock climb with named Jeff Wingo. He was a really great guy - brilliant, easy-going, an amazing climber, and a fellow believer in Christ. He could laugh at himself so easily and was very comfortable in his own skin. We used to climb together alot and talk alot. He would do trips out west to the "big rocks" (El Capitan, Half Dome, Whitney, Rainier) to climb. He even did ice climbing. He was always prepared, always had the best equipment, and was constantly improving his skills.

Then I got a call one day from a mutual friend. I remember it like it was yesterday. Marc told me that Jeff had fallen from Mount Whitney. He had lost footing, slipped about 200 feet on a steep grade and then fell over 800 feet to his death. Marc was about to go tell Jeff's parents, since Marc was the only contact the guys climbing with Jeff had, and Marc wanted me to pray as he went to talk to them.

All that went through my mind was words Jeff had spoken many years before. He had always loved climbing, and when asked by others about the risk, he would always say, "Don't worry about me. I'm doing what I love, and if I fall, I know I will fall into the arms of God".

At the funeral, I talked with the two who were with him when he fell. They both told me something amazing - when Jeff fell, he did not cry out or panic. He looked completely peaceful, as if to say, "oh, well... this is it, and I'm ok with it". He had let go long before that day...

Jeff

Darla said...

woah.... what an incredibly beautiful story. thank you for sharing this... puts a whole new perspective on falling, doesn't it.

GoteeMan said...

yeah, I think it does.

Not so much about falling, but about who you know will catch you...

Jeff

Margy said...

Praying that tonight you can grasp a fraction of that peace as you guys continue your freefall, trying to absorb all you've been through with this trip. And we won't stop praying.

GoteeMan said...

Margy -

Thanks! It's been a rough week with the new news, but we know God will work it all out...

Jeff

flyin.spider said...

Jeff,

What new news are you referring to? Is Kim doing better or worse? This is Marc writing you from Afganistan. Send me an email, will you, brother? Love y'all.

GoteeMan said...

Marc -
Sorry, dude... just now saw the blog... Hopefully, you will still get this, but anyway...

Kim is on IV antibiotics (6th week now), and is in a wheelchair still at this point. Hopefully, she will improve soon. It's a long recovery, though, so we are in for a pretty long haul.

Hope things are going well in Afghanistan for you. Miss you dude. Praying for you, and for safety...

Love you, dude...
Jeff