Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Lactose Intolerance, Anyone? Dairy-rrhea for Dummies who don't exercise self-control...

Well, perhaps the picture says it all.... at least that's the way I feel anywhere from 2 hours to 6 hours after a healthy dose of DAIRY... resulting in several hours or even a few fun-filled days to follow enhanced by projectile DAIRY-rrhea...

Forget nuclear weapons - just figure out a way to deliver this tormenting affliction to terrorists across the globe! Sure to stop 'em cold!

Ok, so like I never drink milk outright (moo cow milk, goat milk, etc.)... know better than that, so now it's Vanilla Rice Drink (don't even think about calling that milk) or Chocolate Soy Milk (really - I mean, are there teets on soybeans that allow for "milking"? I studied Biology, and don't recall soybeans being MAMMALS). Even stopped nibbling the smallest bits of all cheeses, and shop regularly on the "non-cheese cheese" aisle, where there are untold delicacies of cheese-like substances made from soybeans, rice, almonds, and "vegetable protein" (whatever that is - maybe like the veggie equivalent of "mystery meat" we used to get in the high-school lunchroom??). And to top it all off, these non-milk milks and non-cheese cheeses cost about 3x what their mammalian counterparts do... you can't keep a straight face and tell me that rice or soybeans cost more to produce than moo cow freaking milk. I mean, you don't have to feed the soybeans, give them shots, milk them or shovel up their... well, I digress...

I stumbled on a "new" trigger this week - MILK chocolate... Who would have guessed it was real milk??? Duh! Well, let me tell you - truth in advertising, because my "you ate milk"-O-Meter registered a 7.9... and ALL IS NOT WELL...

And the Lacto-Free stuff don't work for me... Guess maybe it's more of an allergy to the cow's mammory juice... so if I want calcium, now I have to look for it where it don't belong... like in my orange juice... who thought that up? But, I have to maintain my strong bones and teeth - hard to do without those, so off I go to buy my naturally non-natural array of non-dairy dairy items and juice with added calcium (which, by the way, a beloved relative used to refer to as "cal-suh-mum" to "keep your bones suple" (pronounced "sue'-puhl", in the most wonderful southern south-carolinian drawl)). We miss ya, Ruby... anyway... back to my tyraid...

Not only is this non-dairy, non-lactose spread/slice/hunk/block of stuff expensive, it's also only to be found in the veggie aisle, or sometimes only in specialty stores altogether. Plus, I wonder if this might be affecting my ability to focus, be decisive and to remember things... but I am not really sure. What was I talking about?

Oh, well... nuf said...

Dairy Free in Tennessee

J/

32 comments:

All Adither said...

I can't eat dairy because it makes me itchy as hell. Total cause and effect, I can tell. I still haven't been able to give up the milk chocolate though.

GoteeMan said...

all adither - understand completely... poison ivy does that to me - itchy as can be... have to get cortizone shots or take prednisone... but yet, I still manage to get myself into it from time to time...
=)

Thanks for dropping in, and welcome back anytime at all...

J/

carrie said...

I would die if I couldn't dip my Oreos in milk.

But my husband is right there with you, in the dairy-free club. Hang in there! :)

April said...

Oh god I'm so glad I'm not lactose-intolerant! I'm a major cheese-a-holic and couldn't imagine having to eat the fake stuff you described! :-P I love cheese way, way, way more than chocolate even! Hope your tummy is feeling better today! :-)
(thanks for stopping by! i'll be back to visit soon!)

Krystyn said...

I so can't do the dairy, either! Not fun results!

But at least here, soy milk (which I don't touch) is cheaper than regular milk (at least the organic stuff we give our daughter). Thankfully she didn't get mommy's tummy.

I just don't get enough calcium. Hope my prenatals are doing the trick!

Kim from Kansas said...

My condolences to you and your intestinal tract!

Melissa said...

I'm not dairy free but I am gluten free and let me tell you what a serious drag. I would seriously have to kill myself if I couldn't eat ice cream....

Sarah said...

Seriously. I'm lactose intolerant (well, never officially "diagnosed" - I just kind of put 2 and 2 together and the problems went away when I took a Lactaid pill and consumed dairy). HOWEVER, now - I'm not so sure what is going on. The pills still help...sometimes. Other times -- not so much. I'm paying for that Heath Bar Blizzard from Dairy Queen today......

GoteeMan said...

Well, thanks, all, for commiserating with me... I feel much better...

Who needs colon cleansing! All I have to do is eat ice cream or cheese and my colon is violently and thoroughly cleansed...

Melissa - Kim, my wife, is also gluten and corn sensitive... so I feel your pain. It's been an adventure learning to cook for her. Have you found Pamela's Products (Baking Mix, etc.), Namaste Products (pizza crust mix, bread mix and brownie mix)? Those are the best gluten free products we have found yet - in fact, I can fool everyone with the biscuits and brownies....

Thank you all for your support!

J/

Vidal's Nest said...

Umm ~nuff said with the pic alone! Too funny. Glad I wasn't around on the journey of figuring out what doesn't work Ü

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